I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. It hit me this morning that there is so much I wish could be different about myself. What happened to the motivation and determination? Would life be different if I knew how to socialize, if I was unafraid to be the first to approach someone for something? I am reminded of my tragedy from a year ago every day, and that’s what draws me back – my fear of failure and being judged in a negative way. “But Stephanie, you will always be judged and the only way to succeed is to first fail and learn from your failures!” I know. There is no right or wrong path in life because it’s what you make of it that will determine the short and long term outcome.
Few people are willing to publicly admit their failures. Wait, scratch that. Few people are willing to admit their failures to anyone except those whom they are very close to. I wish I had someone to talk to without feeling judged, someone who has also faced failure early in their career but were able to overcome it. I want to ask him or her “What should I do?”, ”How can I maintain a balance in my life between school and myself? (And eventually between a job, a family, and myself)”, “What’s the key to happiness?”, "Would you want to change anything about your past?" Even though I love telling stories about my past or talking about my day, I’m also a listener. I reflect on what others say and how it applies to me or I give advice if I deem it necessary. Right now, I want to be the listener and learn from others.
Unlike most high school and college students, I do have specific career aspirations. I am determined to work in the manufacturing industry of a cosmetics company as a chemical engineer. For the curious cats wanting to know why, refer to my post on chasing dreams. It’s not complete and was written on the most general level when I was in high school, but you’ll get the idea. One day I’ll write a more in-depth post about why. At least I have something to work towards! But it’s the weary journey towards that goal that makes me stare at it in fear. Picture in your head a person standing at a fork in the road. Actually, several forks in the road. They wind and twist away, branching off into more roads. Only the beginning of the crossroads is visible; the rest, covered in fog. But through the fog is a beacon of light shining through the fog. You can barely see it, but it’s there. That’s what I feel like right now. Maybe I won’t like working in a cosmetics company. That’s fine, as long as I have the chance to try. As long as I graduate with my intended degree, it’s fine.
The unpredictable future is what’s most frightening. Am I making the right choice? Should I have taken these internships? Will doing this be a waste of my time? What if I had done this instead? What are the short term and long term impacts? I’m just very worried and concerned about my future. I don’t want another anxiety attack. What should I do, what should I do…
Today's post was different, obviously. I might delete this in the future, but this is reality. For anyone else who's struggling like me, you're not alone. If anyone wants to talk to someone about their struggles, to a stranger or a friend, I'm here to listen and help.
I'll be back with my regular posts shortly.